This is not an anomalous story: a woman losing herself in her intimate relationships.
A very long time ago I made a deal with God: I said that I would forgo love for a Writing Life. Love was the only thing I wanted nearly as much as to write, and surely, I thought, success at writing would demand a great sacrifice.
Solving the misalignments in ourselves requires asking what part of you feels safe with your patterns even when you feel dissatisfied with your life. Like it or not, believe it or not, your patterns of self-sabotage, poor communication, lethargy, compulsive behaviours, etcetera, are the response to a need to feel safe that you are denying.
Sometimes I am grounded enough to see the choice as if it was as simple as choosing a flavor of ice cream — do you want fear or belief today? Both are in stock.
I first had to make the mental shift before I could receive the help, and that was the only way I was able to avoid repeating all of my past ways. When I was finally ready, with humility and acceptance, the universe was waiting. As she always is.
It’s not magic, it’s just physics (readers note: I am not a magician or a physicist, so apologies if I am mis-representing facts about either one’s reality). If I am pushing something away, or running from something, then my words about wanting it are irrelevant. And if I don’t get to the root of my fears, then it doesn’t matter how hard I work or want or pray, I will never be in alignment with myself and thus always just living out variations of the same struggle.