Are we now ready to be honest with ourselves that maybe all this time of reading and listening and watching has been because we haven’t been ready to heal?
I’m really bad in relationships and I’m even worse out of them. When I am in one, I’m generally thinking of everything that is wrong with us (see: Him), and when I am out of one, I’m generally thinking of everything that was right with us (see: Him).
After a certain point we have to ask ourselves, if what we have isn’t what we want, why do we still have it?
An opportunity to simplify was given to us in 2020, a reason to check out our surroundings and determine if we like where we’re standing and where we’re going. What I have realized is that I don’t want to be at odds with myself anymore.
I have spent most of my life either alone or trying to make others happy. And not because they asked me to but because their wants and needs were so much clearer to me than my own. I became so used to this routine that I assumed this was being in a relationship. I started to think that making other people happy was what made me happy.
Solving the misalignments in ourselves requires asking what part of you feels safe with your patterns even when you feel dissatisfied with your life. Like it or not, believe it or not, your patterns of self-sabotage, poor communication, lethargy, compulsive behaviours, etcetera, are the response to a need to feel safe that you are denying.
Sometimes I am grounded enough to see the choice as if it was as simple as choosing a flavor of ice cream — do you want fear or belief today? Both are in stock.
Maybe the rest, maybe all of the journey thus far has just been the lesson being repackaged over and over and over again in the hopes that one of these times I’ll finally see the answer through the material goods, mental anguish, boredom, and gluten-free cookie dough ice cream.
But here’s the interesting part: every now and then instead of trying to change your anger in the last 10 minutes, instead of trying to not feel it, to not see it head on, instead of denying that this lesser part of you exists, you just allow it to be. You let it turn you hot, you attempt to dispel nothing. And generally this moment right here, this is the reason why we meditate, because somehow it dissipates on its own.
I first had to make the mental shift before I could receive the help, and that was the only way I was able to avoid repeating all of my past ways. When I was finally ready, with humility and acceptance, the universe was waiting. As she always is.