How good are you at holding yourself accountable? Are you involved in the micro and the macro details of your life? Meaning, do you zoom in on the day to day as well as zoom out on how those days make up the next 6 months, 1 year, or 5 years of your life? Sometimes we think life is going to happen for us. That we can wile away our time with video games and still expect to be someplace else in 5 years time.
Sometimes I am grounded enough to see the choice as if it was as simple as choosing a flavor of ice cream — do you want fear or belief today? Both are in stock.
I’ve been doing well. So well that I can see the creeping in of my self-sabotaging ways: I lie in bed at night and my brain just runs, resulting in no sleep being had whatsoever. And then in the morning when it is time to write I think, “This is just your perfectionism speaking. There is no reason to write when you are this tired. It’s unfair to yourself and it’s unhealthy.” Because I am tired. So writing whilst that tired seems irresponsible but seems is the operative word. The facts of the matter are quite right: I am too tired to be productive or considered healthy. But I have to ask myself: why? Why is it that when things start going well I stop sleeping? Why is it I’ve allowed one area of my life so much control over my productivity? Why, if sleep is the number one indicator of whether or not I will be able to call a day successful or not, am I not making sleep my Absolute Number One priority?
Or another beautiful and sneaky pattern I have is letting the emotional entanglements run amok with my thoughts and energy. Getting involved with the unavailable really gives me something to think about when I am lying in bed at night not sleeping. And they also seem equally legitimate to avoid doing my daily work and showing up for myself in the moment.
I don’t know why the fear of success is so common and, frankly, I don’t care (or, I should clarify, I don’t care in this blog post, I’m sure I’ll delve into it in the future). This article is my way of calling bullshit on myself — calling myself out. “You said that you wanted to be honest, you said that was what you wanted your life to be about. Well, is that what you’d call your actions? Honest? Is lying in bed thinking about nothing honest? Or are you avoiding your work and giving yourself excuses and ways out to do so?” These are the questions I have to ask myself if I want more than having, “I’m so tired,” to say when people ask me how I am.
It is ok to be tough on yourself when it’s appropriate. It’s ok to give yourself tough love when it’s warranted. It’s ok to call bullshit on the patterns you have of not really showing up for yourself and your best life. This is my gentle way of telling you to tell yourself to smarten the fuck up. Because it’s no longer your mother’s job to do so. Show up for yourself so you can show up for those you choose to have in your life. You’ll thank yourself.
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